The Title Isn't Basketball
by Anthony Staffenhagen
Summary: Luan learns a big secret about two characters you don't care about. Leni and Lynn play in a basketball tournament they probably shouldn't be in.
1. Chapter 1

**Anthony's House**

Luan was there with everyone who lives there except Anthony.

Luan: If I were you, I'd go for the Infernape!

Everyone but Lightning and Diancie laughed at Luan's unfunny joke to be polite. Lightning laughed because she actually thought it was funny. Diancie did NOT laugh.

Diancie: That may be the worst joke I've ever heard in my entire life.

Eureka: …..I'm sorry about her. She's...not very nice.

Luan: Yeah, I can tell. But do any of you know where Anthony is? I really wanted to tell HIM my joke.

Lillie: He told me he went to go hang out with a **_SPECIAL_** new friend of his.

Grace: …A **_SPECIAL_** new friend? What's so **_SPECIAL_** about them?

Lillie: I don't know. He wouldn't tell me. But Luan, you should go tell your joke to the two girls next door. I bet they'd like it.

Luan: Well, I don't know who they are, but I can't say no to telling people my great jokes.

Luan exited the house. She went next door to Serena's house and knocked on the door. Nobody answered. She knocked on the door again. Still no answer. She then let herself in. The only person there was Serena's mom.

Luan: Hello. One of the people next door told me about two girls here who'd like to hear my joke.

Serena's mom: You must mean Serena and Shauna. I don't think they're here right now. They might be down in the "basement," but you can't go down there.

Luan: I can't go down there? Why not?

A Wynaut could be seen through the window.

Serena's mom: Uhh…..because it's being fumigated.

Luan: …..Oh, I see. For a second there I thought you were keeping some kind of secret down…

Serena's mom: Nope! No secrets here! Now...go away!

Serena's mom kicked Luan out of the house.

Luan: That was…strange.

Luan noticed a flash of light through the window.

Luan: What the?

Luan looked through the window. She saw that Shauna and Serena, who were in their superhero suits, were now in the house.

Luan: What are Glaceon Woman and Esbreon Woman doing here?

Serena: Are you ok, mom? You seem nervous.

Luan: Mom?!

Serena's mom: Somebody was here just a second ago. If I hadn't made her leave, she might have found out your secret identities.

Shauna: No she wouldn't have. We would have just waited for her to leave before we changed out of our superhero suits.

Luan: Oh my Arceus! Are they about to…?

Luan saw another flash of light, and then Shauna and Serena were back in their normal clothes.

Luan: *gasp* I know who Glaceon Woman and Esbreon Woman are!...Kinda. Ok, what do I do? What do I do? What do I do? What are you supposed to do when you find out that someone is a superhero? Should I go in and talk to them? Should I try to knock myself unconscious, so when I wake up I think it was a dream? Should I just go home and try to pretend this never happened?...Yeah, that's what I should do. I don't know their real names, so technically I still don't know their secret identities. I just know what they look like. So as long as I never see them again, everything should be fine. Nothing has to change. Yeah, yeah, that's perfect. I'll go home and everything…will be…splendid!

Luan started walking away.

Luan: But on the other hand, don't they deserve to know about this?

Luan was having a really hard time deciding what to do, much like me while writing this. She took a look at Anthony's house and then went in.

Luan: Umm…I just found out a really huge secret, and now I don't know what to do. Do any of you have any…..suggestions?

Lightning: Is this another joke?

Luan: No, I'm being serious.

Lightning: I don't get it.

Eureka: What's the secret?

Luan: I…can't say what it is. But it's about the two girls next door.

Diancie: You mean how they're Glaceon Woman and Esbreon Woman?

Eureka: Diancie!

Luan: Yes! That's the secret. How did you guess?!

Eureka: Diancie's just a really good guesser.

Diancie: No I'm not. We all already knew.

Eureka: Seriously?!

Luan: All of you know? Did they tell you or did you find out by accident like me?

Grace: They told us. But…

Luan: That's great! If they don't mind telling everyone, then I guess there's nothing wrong with me knowing.

Lillie: Oh no, there's something wrong with it alright! The only reason you went to their house is because I told you to. If I hadn't been here, none of this would've happened. I changed the space-time continuum! Again!

Luan: The space-time…? Do you still think you're from the future?

Lillie: I AM from the future! Uhh, I mean…I'm just kidding. I'll be upstairs.

Lillie went upstairs awkwardly.

Grace: Anyway, the reason they told us is because they're Anthony's acquaintances. We're his family, so they trust us.

Luan: And they don't know me, so…..yeah.

Shauna and Serena then came in.

Serena: So, you know our secret.

Luan: What? What secret? I don't know any secret. What would make you think I knew a secret?

Serena: I read your mind. One of my superpowers is psychic abilities.

Luan: What?! Superpowers?! I am SHOCKED by that because I most definitely did not know it before!

Shauna and Serena made "You seriously expect us to believe that?" faces.

Luan: I realize how fake that sounded, but I swear I was speaking 100% sincer…you're reading my mind again, aren't you?

Serena: Yeah.

Luan got down on her knees.

Luan: I'm sorry! I'm SO sorry! I didn't mean to find out your secret. I was just outside your house, then I saw a crazy light flash and wanted to know what it was. I promise I'll never tell anybody. Please don't….do whatever it is you were gonna do to me.

Shauna: But citizen, we weren't going to do anything to you. Actually, we're here to ask you for your help.

Luan: You…you are?

Shauna: Precisely. Today, there are 4 evil teams getting together for what they claim is a basketball tournament. But we suspect that they're all actually up to something.

Serena: And the plan we have to stop them requires 3 people.

Luan: Are you saying you want me to be your sidekick? 'Cause I'm the perfect choice. I actually have a superpower.

Pretty Much Everybody: You do?!

Luan: Yep!

Serena: Can you show us?

Luan: Of course. But first, I'm gonna need a blindfold, something heavy, and some really strong duct tape.

Everybody thought that was weird, but they helped her get that stuff. After they got it all, Luan went to the top of the stairs, taped her left leg behind her back, put on the blindfold, and picked up the heavy crate.

Lillie: What are you doing?

Luan: Just watch.

Luan walked down the stairs backwards.

Everyone except Diancie started clapping.

Lillie: That was the most impressive thing I've ever seen in my life.

Shauna: But how is it a superpower?

Lillie: It was greater in scope or magnitude than that which is considered natural. Sounds like a superpower to me.

Serena: That may be true, but there's no way to use it for fighting crime. Something like speed or strength would be a lot more useful.

Shauna: We do still want your help though. Meet us at this address and we'll tell you what we need you to do.

Shauna handed Luan a piece of paper.

Shauna: See you there.

Shauna and Serena left.

Luan: Wait a second. Didn't they say something about a basketball tournament?

Grace: They did. Why?

Luan: Because this piece of paper they gave me has the same time and address as another basketball tournament that my sister's in today.

Eureka: You mean Lynn?

Luan: No, she isn't playing LYNN the tournament. *irritating laugh* Get it? But to answer your question, no, I surprisingly DON'T mean Lynn.


	2. Chapter 2

**The Loud House**

Leni was on the computer looking at the bracket of the basketball tournament.

Leni: Lynn, I don't wanna let Team Magma down, so….can you teach me how to play basketball?

Lynn: ….I have been waiting 14 years for someone in this house to ask me a question like that.

*montage of Lynn trying to teach Leni how to slam jam, but Leni still sucks at it no matter what*

Leni and Lynn went back inside to take a break.

Leni: I really feel like I'm getting better. Don't you?

Lynn: …..Yeah, sure. What time does the tournament start?

Leni: I think at N o'clock.

Lynn: …I'll just look myself.

Lynn went to the computer to see when the tournament started. She noticed what the tournament was called.

Lynn: Why is it called the 1st Annual Evil Teams Basketball Tournament?

Leni: They told me EVIL stands for "Extremely Vigorous Indigo League." Which is weird, because I could've sworn it stood for "Every Villain Is Lemons."

Lynn: I gotta say, "Extremely Vigorous Indigo League" is a very weird name. Why is it called that?

Leni: I don't know. It must've gotten started on that website.

Lynn: What website?

Leni: The one where you give people money so they can make their invention. Isn't it called Indigo?

Lynn: No, it's called…Now's not the time to be talkin' about websites! We've gotta get back to training.

Leni: But I thought you said I could take a 10 minute break.

Lynn: Do you know how long 10 minutes is?

Leni: ….No.

 **Elsewhere**

Team Rocket needed two more members in order to play in the tournament. So, they were looking at their social media post that asked if anyone wanted to join. It had no comments.

Jessie: We are hours away from the tournament, and we still haven't found two teammates. What are we gonna do?!

James: Maybe two people who wanna join Team Rocket will just happen to comment on our post in time.

Meowth: That doesn't seem very likely.

Robin then appeared.

Robin: Umm…hello.

Jessie, James, and Meowth closed their eyes, crossed their arms, and turned around.

Robin: Look, I know you're all still mad about what I did a few years ago, but I've come to apologize.

James: A little late, don't ya' think?

Robin: No, I don't think I'm a little late. That's because I'm A LOT late. I'm so sorry.

Jessie, James, and Meowth continued to ignore her.

Robin: …..If you don't wanna accept my apology, I can see why. I just saw that you needed people to play basketball with you, and…

Jessie, James, and Meowth: If you play basketball with us, you are immediately forgiven!

Robin: ….Umm…okay, great!

Wobbuffet let himself out of his Poké Ball.

Wobbuffet: Wobbuffet!

Jessie: Oh yeah, we still need one more person.

Robin: I can go get you one. I can go get you one NO problem.

Meowth: Are you saying what we think you're saying?

Robin: What do you mean?

James: Do you still have… _that machine_.

Robin: I do still have _that machine_ , but I'm not gonna be using it. I can find a 5th teammate just fine WITHOUT hypnotism.

Meowth: But don't you think it would be a lot easier if you…

Robin: No! I have changed a lot since the last time you guys saw me. Now just tell me if there's anybody specific you want me to look for.

Jessie, James, and Meowth started thinking about it.

Jessie: Wasn't there someone we wanted?

James: Didn't that guy who bought us all those pizzas say his mom's ex-boyfriend's daughter was good at sports?

Meowth: You mean the girl who was destroying all the video games at Smelly Cheeses?

James: Yeah, her. Anybody remember what she looked like?

Wobbuffet: Wobbuffet!

Robin: That's what she looks like and where she lives? Ok, got it. See you later, team.

Meowth: We still recommend you use the…

Robin: Not gonna happen!

Robin went to the Loud house.

Robin: Why does this house look so familiar?

Inside

Lynn: Clearly actually trying to train you isn't working.

Leni: There was a train?

Lynn: So I'm gonna have to resort to this.

Lynn took out a CD.

Leni: Is that the HM for basketball? I thought those only worked for Pokémon.

Lynn: It's not an HM. It's a CD. Listen to this, and you'll be as good at basketball as me….Well, almost as good….Almost half as good.

Leni: So it IS the HM for basketball. But can I listen to it while I take a nap? I am SO tired!

Lynn: Are you gonna be able to take in what it's saying if you're asleep?

Leni: I think so, 'cause there was this one time when Lori *yawn* I'll tell you after my nap.

Leni laid down on the couch and instantly fell asleep. Lynn put the CD in a CD player, turned it on, and put the headphones on Leni.

Lynn's Voice on the CD: Welcome to Volume 14 of Lynn Loud's Instructional…

Lynn heard a knock at the door. She answered it and when she saw who it was, she screamed her head off.

Robin: What? What? Why are you screaming?

Lynn: It's you! The crazy girl who was in my room, and then in the toilet.

Robin: You must be mistaking me for someone else. I've never been here before. Besides, do I seem crazy to you?

Lynn: …..How many fingers am I holding up?

Lynn held up 1 finger.

Robin: One.

Lynn: How bout now?

Lynn held up 5 fingers.

Robin: Five.

Lynn: Hhhm…you seem pretty sane to me. I guess you're not that person from before. Maybe I didn't get a good enough look at her face because I was so freaked out.

Robin: Yeah, maybe. So anyway, my name's Robin, and my friends wanted me to ask you to join our basketball team. There's a tournament today we wanna play in, but we still need one more player.

Lynn: Can't say I'm surprised they want me, but I can't. My sister's in a basketball tournament today too, so…wait a second. Is yours the Evil Teams Basketball Tournament?

Robin: Yes.

Lynn: So's my sister's. Now I definitely can't play on your team. If I do, we'll win. I could never do that to her.

Robin: I understand. But just so you know, the MVP of the final game gets 3,584,090 Poké Dollars.

Lynn: ….3,584,090 Poké Dollars?

Robin: That's what I said.

Lynn thought about how that's how much money she owes Smelly Cheeses for all the video games she destroyed.

Lynn: Actually, you know what? I WILL play on your team.

Robin: Great! Just fill this out.

Lynn got a pen and filled out the sign-up sheet.

 **Name: Lynn L.**

 **Date of Birth: 2/1/03**

 **Address: The Loud House, Kalos**

 **Favorite Color: Red**

 **Favorite Film: Baseketball**

Lynn: Can you call these friends of yours and ask them to come over? I'm gonna need to see if they're any good.

Robin: You mean any good at basketball, right?

Lynn: Of course I do. What else would I mean?

Robin: …Yeah, I can ask them to come over.

Robin went over to the phone.

Robin: But first, tell me about that crazy person you were talking about.

Lynn: Well, I walked into my bedroom, and saw her sitting in there talking to my sister Lucy about weird, creepy stuff, so I got…

Hearing that made Robin remember what happened.

Robin: Never mind.


	3. Chapter 3

**Later, at the outdoor basketball court where the tournament was being held, shortly before if started**

Lillie saw where the Loud family (except Leni, Lynn, and Luan) were sitting and went over to them.

Lillie: Hi, Louds. Do you mind if I sit next to you?

None of the Louds knew what to say. Lillie then sat down next to them anyway.

Lillie: ….So….would it be cool if….I moved in with you guys?

Lincoln: That would be a no.

Luan, Shauna, and Serena were underneath the bleachers. Shauna and Serena were in their superhero suits again.

Luan: This is so exciting! I never thought I'd help superheroes stop a bunch of villains. So, what do we gotta do?

Serena: When the evil teams get here, we're gonna have you go "interview" them so we can find out what they're planning.

Luan: Ok, but why does it matter? Can't you just throw them in jail and call it a day?

Shauna: Just because they're evil doesn't mean we can throw them in jail for no reason. If they haven't done anything, that would not be ethical.

Luan: Wow. I can see I have a lot to learn. So, when do I get my costume? What Pokémon am I gonna be named after? Is there a Pokémon known for walking down stairs, preferably a yellow one?

?: Hello, ladies and gentlemen! And welcome to the 1st Annual Evil Teams Basketball Tournament! I'm your host…

 ** _JOHN CENA!_**

JOHN CENA: I'm also the host of the Kid's Choice Awards, Saturday, March 24th. But that has absolutely NOTHING to do with why I'm hosting this. Now without further ado, here are our 4 teams. From Hoenn, it's the hottest of all the teams, Team Magma! From Kanto, it's everyone's favorite, Team Rocket! From some region nobody's heard of except the people who live there, it's Team Basketball! And also from Hoenn, it's Team Aqua, who are standing by one of the hoops and one of them is holding a saw for some reason.

Team Aqua Grunt: You have no reason to be suspicious of us.

One of the Team Aqua grunts leaned on the basketball hoop, causing it to fall over.

JOHN CENA: Did you cut down the hoop with that saw?

Team Aqua Grunt: Yes I did.

JOHN CENA: Why?

Team Aqua Grunt: I bought this saw. If you bought a saw, you would want to use it too.

JOHN CENA: …Can't argue with that. But we needed that hoop for the tournament.

Team Aqua Grunt: Don't worry. We brought one.

The Team Aqua grunts pushed their magic basketball hoop over to where the one they cut down once stood.

Team Aqua Grunt: Just to reiterate, you don't have a single reason to be suspicious of us.

Luan: Sounds like there's something important about that basketball hoop. It's probably not really a basketball hoop at all! I'll bet it's a bomb or something.

Serena: I think you're right. When the game starts, go talk to them and try to get them to confess about it.

Luan: Why not now?

Shauna: Team Aqua would never admit to anything with all these witnesses around. So if everyone's watching the game, they'll be much more likely to tell you what they're hiding.

Luan: I see. Man, you guys are way better at this than I am.

JOHN CENA: Here's the starting line-up for Team Basketball! Michael, Jordan, LeBron, James, and Jerry! And now, the starting line-up for Team Rocket! Jessie, James, Meowth, Robin, and Lynn!

Luan: Okay, this is getting really weird. First, these bad guys are having a basketball tournament on the same day my sister is, then one of the teams is called Team Magma, which is the thing my sister has been a member of since Christmas Eve, and now one of the teams has a player with the same name as my other sister. All that really makes it seem like my sisters are on evil teams, but there's just…

Luan went out from under the bleachers and saw Leni and Lynn.

Leni: Hi, Luan.

Lynn: Where have you been all day?

Luan: ….No way!

Luan went back under the bleachers.

Luan: Why are my sisters playing basketball with a bunch of evil people?

Suddenly, Twin Anthony and Karli showed up.

Twin Anthony: I can tell you.

Luan: Aaaah!

Twin Anthony: Sorry, I didn't mean to run up right to you like that. I was gonna stop a few feet away, then walk up slowly like a normal person, but then I…anyway, I know why your sister is on Team Magma.

Luan: You do?

Twin Anthony: Yes I do. You see, the leader of Team Magma, Omega, is my arch enemy, so…


	4. Chapter 4

Lillie: Will you let me stay at your house if I can guess the final score of the last game correctly?

Lincoln: Not a chance.

Lillie: I bet that Team Magma beats Team Rocket 105 to 102.

Lincoln: I said not a…you think the team Lynn's on is gonna lose?

Lillie: Uh-huh.

Lincoln: That's less likely than Smash Bros. Switch being a port. You're on.

Lincoln and Lillie shook hands.

Rita: But Lincoln, what if she actually wins?

Lincoln: Don't worry, she's not going to.

JOHN CENA: Team Basketball, Team Rocket, it's time to start the first game.

The members of Team Basketball and Team Rocket went to center court.

JOHN CENA: Any questions before we begin?

Lynn: I've got one. Why are YOU hosting this? Shouldn't it be hosted by a basketball player, more specifically, a college basketball player because it's March?

JOHN CENA didn't answer her. He threw the basketball into the air to start the game.

Team Aqua Grunt: I just realized something. Team Magma is gonna get to use the magic hoop for half the game.

Team Aqua Grunt: …We should've thought this through more.

Twin Anthony: So it must have told her to join Team Magma.

Luan: That makes sense. But it still doesn't explain Lynn.

Karli: Team Rocket probably just asked Lynn to play basketball for them and that's it. Unless they….no, they wouldn't do that.

Luan: Do what?

Karli: Well, they used to have this hypnotism machine thingy, but Robin's not a bad guy anymore, so she wouldn't use it again…maybe.

Luan: Well, Leni and Lynn didn't seem hypnotized. I gotta go tell them Team Magma and Team Rocket are evil.

Shauna: There's no time. You need to go talk to Team Aqua and find out what that basketball hoop is.

Luan: But…

Shauna: Think about it. What if it actually IS a bomb?

Luan: ….Oh, you're right.

Luan went to go talk to Team Aqua. They explained to her that's it's just a magic hoop that makes the ball go in every single time. Luan tried to get them to admit that they were also planning something more sinister, but none of the teams had any evil plans. They were just playing in a perfectly innocent basketball tournament.

When Leni started playing, she kicked the basketball around because Lynn accidentally gave her the instructional CD for soccer. Team Magma still won the first round somehow.

Team Magma and Team Rocket played against each other in the final round. It was gonna go to overtime because it was tied 102 to 102, but Leni scored a three-pointer at the last second.

Luan told Shauna and Serena that she didn't want to be their sidekick because it's too hard and she'd rather be a comedian.

Because she won the bet, the Louds had to let Lillie stay at their house. Because Lincoln was the one who agreed to the bet, they made him share his room with her. He was not happy about this.


End file.
